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-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Tuesday, March 3, 2020

the organ maintaining hull integrity so I stay healthy

One of my physical therapists let me know I have really young skin for my age and had a hard time believing I went through a body-wrecking self destructive heavy alcohol and more stage, to the point of kicking off a nasty autoimmune flare that lasted a few years.

I absolutely do not take my health for granted. I certainly haven't earned the good fortune of not looking my age.

The divergent nature of living for decades in loads of pain and stress and looking younger than my age the entire time only means I don't have the audacity to be vain. I do try to keep up being clean and pleasant to behold, but I honesty fail spectacularly in any fashion sense.

Inside my head none of any of that exists. I know the truths I live with.

"So you'd rather die than give up the man who tried to kill you?"
Sadly, yes, but love had nothing to do with it. I've often wondered how many other children he went on to rape over the years after I hid ours away from him.

"You were the one time that I let love weaken me, and I want you around as a constant reminder to never make that mistake again."
Very literally played that out myself, just didn't announce it. Sometimes I wonder if my psychologist ever figured that out. Just because one answer comes out of my mouth doesnt mean all the rest of me feel that way.

I could look like a Shar Pei and it wouldn't change my life inside my head.

I can't even begin to describe how boring my life is now compared to before. It saves my wretched soul from rotting in prison or in the ground.

I never look in the mirror.

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