I've spent the last several years dealing with repressed memories and eventually realizing my oddball disorientation spells might be dissociative. The last 5 months in particular have been like finally nearing the completion of a huge complicated jigsaw puzzle.
I've been leaving myself messages for years, sometimes best laid out through free association games I started playing many years ago. I do what I think are random trails through youtube or search engines and come back weeks, months, or even years later and see patterns. Some of the patterns are more subtle and I have no clue I created them until I review later. Oddly, reviews are usually done on spur of the moment, like little timers go off in my head and I'm suddenly in the mood to follow one of my trails.
Keeping in mind that I once consciously possessed an eidetic memory (until illness initiated a sort of brain collapse in 2004) and have out of the blue known details without explanation (like my brain hides things from me), I've over time accepted that I simply no longer have conscious access at will and that I have figured out ways to communicate to myself across unknown barriers.
My biggest conundrums have been that 1981-1990 are a very mixed up broken blur, and that I seem to take myself hostage back and forth since I was a kid. 'We' sometimes fight each other for control, and I'm lately working through the idea that maybe we can cooperate more if we call a truce.
To make it easier to process both subjectively and objectively, I have been using blog names as personality compartments. I had no idea I was even doing this, at first it was just me using a sorting system to filter down some chaos in my head. I'm autist and misunderstandings galore are my lifestyle, so I guess I built a sorting system so I wouldn't feel like I was drowning in confusion.
One of the first strong blog personalities to step out was bluejacky, or just Jacky, what I've also dubbed the aspienado spawn event. The second that stepped up was pinkfeldspar, or Pinky. There must be some kind of middle ground because my pinterest address is pinkybluejacky.
Years later, I'm discovering these weren't accidents. These have been dominant personalities that I've been dealing with constantly all my life, and they repel each other like the wrong ends of magnets. During the last 5 months, the war for control (Pinky had been in control for years) crescendoed throughout my dad dying, and culminated in Jacky sliding back in after Pinky realized a truce needed to happen.
That was actually a huge relief. Jacky doesn't feel emotions, and going 'flat' again after so many years allowed a smooth transition into self care after years of physical and emotional sacrifice Pinky used to commandeer a tough situation.
To be frank, Jacky isn't the best person handling kids, and Pinky knew it. Once the situation changed, Pinky went on braincation.
We are both cognizant, both control a couple other wild cards that are very bad to turn loose, one being suicidal (prime?), the other an addict without a moral compass (Janika). We're not sure who the really mean one is, but Pinky says Claudia, and we drop that hot potato really fast without dwelling. So "I" am currently Jacky (don't really call me Jacky, that's dumb), and Pinky hears this. To be clear, I don't talk to Pinky, she's bossy and takes over. It's kinda hard explaining. This is the furthest I've gotten being able to word it out.
Back to the playlist today. Let's see what I might be wanting to say to myself. It's been crossing our mind that there might be a completely separate split problem, hence the secrets. I have no idea how to even approach this. Pinky suggested simply asking questions and seeing if we get answers. This goes back to the night I found out my friend was murdered, and then burning the box of letters the next day. These videos are so much like the inside of my head arguing over that hijack of control.
Ok, that first one was like how the me that hijacked that night hated the me it took over. That hate was so deep and harsh that I was unable to kick back out past it and feel anything again until I had a little girl and realized I would literally lose her to the state unless I took control back and did something about it.
After that, we duked it out, stealing control back and forth for several years until my life was so messed up that nothing got better until I met Scott.
Clearly, to me, I hit dead ends trying to figure out what exactly the fuck happened inside myself to spiral out of control so badly, starting with that night.
Ok, next vid.
That very first sentence is me in my childhood. Seriously. I had decided never to love anyone, because everything about love as a concept was so painful, I just had to shut it off. Except my best friend. I never consciously thought that, but evidently I worshipped the ground she walked on or something.
Jacky and Pinky were borne of rubble, a survival mechanism, perhaps. Jacky and Pinky both stepped forward in 2007 after my heart broke again. I think they had been there all along and I finally accepted them as personalities. The only problem was I couldn't put them on the same blog... They were like opposites, one emotionally bereft and one a weepy, angry, severely depressed mess.
So now, truce. Jacky and Pinky are learning to 'talk'. Like I said, Pinky is very bossy. She sucks as a friend, as she puts it. And Failure Is Not An Option. "We would be strong together. No one can stop us."
Truce. No more sabotaging each other.
Load and clear. "You cannot have one without the other." "There was no me without him." Accepting each other. Accepting all my broken pieces. Pinky was lost without Jacky.
Pinky put the playlist together on the run during high stress, terrified another hijacking would happen with disastrous consequences. Jacky agreed this time not to take over and block Pinky out. Once the agreement happened, the switch was almost instantaneous. Pinky can share feeling the relief and is mostly 'asleep' now. Jacky is back on the original health plan goals from years ago and being amazing.
No more sabotaging each other.
Next vid. This is a clip of the show, not a fanvid. This is what it's like in my head blogging double meanings to myself without realizing it. This is how Pinky finally got through to Jacky through years of blogging.
And now we're wondering what part is still hiding the secrets. Because Jacky doesn't have an answer to why that box got burned.
There is a dangerously apathetic component inside me that we're not sure will even talk to us without doing something very, very stupid. That piece of me is utterly black being anti-love.
This is where we agree to just drop it and let it go. For now. Not gonna lie, it got real creepy when I realized during this next one that as I kept drifting in deeper, disengaged while I was driving, that an eavesdropper was thinking about wrecking the car. I mean, I wasn't even feeling depressed, Jacky mode is about as flat as it gets, and I had to pull back out hard and fast shutting that one down. It's like a super surreal mode that pops up once in awhile in the car and thinks about spontaneously taking the car off the road without any thought to damage or injury, no feels at all, and I nearly feel sick at the thought I might not be able to stay in control of my arms. There's like a dead space inside of me that really creeps me out.
I have no idea what that's about, maybe connected to the wreck I had years ago, but it's the same with knives, so whatever that is, Pinky and Jacky both clamp down on it.
And then this next came on and everything was fine. Good Jacky music.
I've never written all of that in one place together before.
Every single day there are thoughts of death, sometimes bizarre suicidal kinds of thoughts, sometimes other kinds of bloody thoughts like dismembering, although I never think of hurting people I know, or about how fun that might be. I'm not into gore for gore's sake. I'm not into that kind of entertainment.
I feel like personality switching keeps the deeper darker lurker at bay.
I'm not afraid of monsters, but of what I will do to them.
Which would make me a monster.
That was hard to write and took hours. I've been thinking for a couple of weeks how to even describe it. Vids help me since I lack emotional intuition, and oftentimes it takes quite awhile (months) for concepts and ideas to percolate back out into description.
If I weren't so inwardly focused, I'm certain I'd be quite the troublemaker.
I fixed Scott's computer through all this as well, so I'm the hero tonight.