like how you feel fainty but don't faceplant after all

Ok. So I survived the big day. The initial reveal. The door is open now into all my closets. And I got to come home. Wasn't sure what the protocol on that would be.

I'm guessing this is what we'll be looking into over the next few visits. Which don't start back up till next month. Cue the next countdown.

kaboom

Elaborate private plans made for today.

6:25 a.m. I find out I'm babysitting.

Somewhere in my head there's outrage over the unfairness of the universe, but I can't feel it. Went into instant numb mode.

all like

And then sometimes you snap back and get all the chores caught up wham bam while you manage not to cut a bitch.

holding on tight

I have thoroughly research tapering gabapentin. I'm obviously physically dependent. I'm going down 100 mg per week, which is way slower than suggested taper on several medical sites. It's definitely screwing my 'mood problem' as noted in my medical portal. Other users have noted tapering more slowly than that and it still being hellish.

I can't describe it better than that, except to add that my head feels like a rubber doll head being slowly forced inside out. It's not like a headache. More like a weird emotional migraine.

I stayed in bed most of the day after not being able to sleep half the night and still got stuff done ok. I don't even know how. Well, I do know. One of me chipped in and got me up, but not until I acknowledged and let me. I consciously handed my body over to another me and now I'm just sitting here watching. Numb.

This me goes way back. This is how I got through high school.

I'm cutting it super close on the taper. I'll make it to the neurologist appointment with 2 pills left. That's right. I mathed. Mathing pills is a crucial survival skill.


 

nipping the follow thing for good

I remember feeling like this a long time ago, when the world was bleak and suddenly someone magical walked in. I get now that I'm the crazy one and that's why I always needed to be the supervillain sidekick or partner thing, but I'll never forget that feeling. It was a fantastic catalyst for my personal growth. Let me redefine. The disappearance of it was the catalyst. If we had continued, our villainy might have been for the worse. Kinda glad I've reached a place where I can appreciate it all more objectively now.

cruel to be kind

Part of mental health is self honesty. When what is inside doesn't match what is required or expected on the outside, we become unhealthy.

One way I've managed to accept, integrate, and sync myself was to embrace and even publicly deal with, not just being a mess, but being awful. I openly shared that I'm a trained killer (I don't kill for joy, and I don't kill people), and that I'm very good at it.

The bloody work was not a problem. That's normal. The problem was constantly being trained to believe that they couldnt really feel anything, even against all evidence otherwise. The real problem, which I realized fairly early on, was that the 'belief' was actually a training method for turning our own feelings off. It worked exceptionally well on me. I became cold, heartless, pitiless, even mocking, and cruel. I became a form of living loathing.

Decades of being turned off is really hard to turn back on from. The pain is excruciating, partly because it sideswipes out of the blue all at once without warning, leaving me an emotionally crippled mess. The challenge was figuring all this out over a number of years, thankfully with the help of a psychologist.

But I live a dual life. I live correctly because it's right. There is right and wrong in these human lives. Sabotage and destruction are wrong. Even with narcissistic challenges I recognized that I only hurt myself being selfish. But even that thinking is selfish. Cognitively learning to live life well for the people around me to be more emotionally healthy is a worthy goal, to be sure, but one that goes very against my grain, thanks to a very twisted childhood.

So now I'm investigating the duality of living correctly versus the compulsive rages and deep depressions I feel as I keep my balance on what feels like a tightrope over a great height in a wind sheer. Finally processing all the things my dad taught me as a child to turn off inside myself has exponentially slammed through me faster and faster as he reaches his death day, whenever that may be. Soon.

Just like science has shown that particles can somehow affect each other at great distances, so I am affected, almost hour by hour as my dad suffers. I have awakened to the minute as he has a couple of times, going by texts, and my own daughter has awakened at least once to the minute when I did when my dad did.

If I were there I would want to end his suffering because it would end mine, in some logic. If I were there I would delight in his suffering because it's finally his turn. Or I would weep in and out of rage over thoughts of my mom. I dunno. I do know my head has felt like it's in a blender for weeks now, and my body is having a weird time of it.

Underneath it all, I'm remembering all the death. Lots and lots of twisted unnecessary tortuous death. Twisted tortuous logic keeping my mom alive years beyond a natural death without the comfort of medical intervention. And now his own fear while his body flops and flounders. He can't just 'turn it off'.

I can't even imagine putting my kids through the grind of watching me die miserably out of sheer masochism. To me it looks insanely selfish. I will happily allow sedation and pain control when my time comes.

Laughably, hysterically ironically, I'm parsing meds down to hopefully make it to an appointment without hard withdrawal. The timing is sadistically delicious. I love irony. I thrive on irony.

But yeah, working on that self honesty. To thine own self be true. Keep me away from my dad if you don't want me cutting through the crap with my own brand of kindness.

discipline? O_o

I got a really cool idea today and I really wanna do it. This whole last year I've been struggling with a continuous string of setbacks in my personal writing discipline, and it got so bad I chunked it all out a window.

Watch my world blitz super hard now. Actually it's kinda funny that I wound up spending nearly 4 hours interfacing with server owner and players thorough one of those insanely huge updates within a few minutes of having that idea, but at least it was the kind of blitz I enjoy, which was a godsend after the month I've been going through.

But it's something to shoot for now, new and fresh and unique and ridiculously incongruent. Fun.