mice

Ran into a purview with a much more extensive list of blogs than I have. All this time I've been trying to reign it in, apparently I could have been reaching for the most blogs award. And that was just on blogger.

My bits of 'me' time are very squished between large 'their' times, daily expectations for smooth gear works, and random spontaneous daily rhythm explosions that seem to knock the wind out of my sails.

I know, I know, I'm the one who committed to this venture. The random, bless their souls.

I kept running into a couple of women in Walmart yesterday, which was a real feat since I was whipping through and they were a tad large and slow, but I noticed they congenially rattled the entire time, and I kept wondering why I don't have someone to just rattle like that to. I'm guessing they were related and probably never had other friends, who's to say, and I'm slightly unkindly basing that on their appearances, but that kind of thing doesn't bother me personally. That's just the way society works nowadays. Anyway, they discussed every tiny little bitty thing in the most congenial fashion, and I got a vivid picture of a couple of mice going about a day together doing their little mouse thing while the world flowed unheeding around them. Well, except to take their money at the end.

I don't know that I've had a soul to talk to on that level in my entire life. Not one soul on this earth knows me well enough to just blabber away about every little food item we might put into our mouths, which is odd considering I've professionally cooked and have been a bit of a foodie for years at home, and now I'm redesigning my lifestyle around not being able to eat mainstream foods.

It was hard not to be jealous. I told myself not to think about it and moved along.

I think that's why I've talked to myself so much on blogs for so many years. And journaling for years before that.

Except it hasn't been very congenial.

coalescing

Proof I built my shop over a slime chunk...

Today feels tilted. I don't know if the world feels the same way because I'm staying off twitter.

I feel like there was a change in the Force.

More timelines collapsing, maybe. Coalescing.

Or maybe the relief from millions of victims as they see results against the kinds of perpetrators who destroyed their own lives, too.

I know I'm too touchy about this subject, and difficult to be around when it's on my mind, which I'm sorry to say is nearly always. I've met a few people whose stories were horrifying enough to wake me up early on, and I've not slept well since.

I stopped sleeping completely the year I got away from my first husband.

Those who know don't sleep.

No one ever asked whether a severe sleep disorder might have anything to do with memories.

I know it spills over and I have to pull back.

As hard as today felt, I'm wondering if a million people wept seeing that in the news, because they know the millions more out there still in the hands of the uncaught have a chance now to see real justice. What is justice? FREEDOM. Freedom from harm. Freedom from fear. Freedom from the peer pressure of having to feel sorry for the ones who have made others miserable, even unto death.

Sometimes the first fresh breeze of a really big storm feels a little heavy, like the rain is coming, borne on a front of thundering Hope.

Hear, and attend, and listen, O Best Beloved. I am the Cat who walks by himself, and all places are alike to me.

The contracts have been met, measured, documented, and judged by a Court of Law.

Relief is on the way for many millions. This is only the beginning.

unnecessary

This is beautiful food.

So next thing coming up with psychologist will be one of my dad's favorite words- unnecessary. I am so messed up by his constant inferences that word looms over that I have changed it to another word.

I automatically count things. I first noticed this in the fourth or fifth grade. My dad found my homework irrelevant. I started counting everything.

• breaths
• drips
• patterns
• things that moved or I was moving on, like stairs
• things in pictures
• how many times something happened

At what number does something become relevant? At what frequency of existence do we find relevance?

Homework had always been important when it was reading and arithmetic. I had always warranted the attention when homework was happening. He butted in, took over, assured me of the importance of reading and basic counting.

After third grade, that was all over. Making proper change and being able to read were enough for him, and after I learned these things, he took me under his wing and taught me the difference between necessary and unnecessary. Like free will. It didn't exist. And the way killing puppies over and over was cheaper then having a dog spayed. As long as I could properly wield a broom I'd always have a job, but anything beyond was utterly unnecessary compared to knowing every bible defense against all the dark arts that would flay us blind.

You wanna know something really messed up?

There really are dark arts out there flaying children alive.

Sadly, that's not what my dad was preparing me for. Years of husking corn by the bushel, perfectly sweeping the carport and back porch, tending farm animals and pulling weeds, pitting fruit and picking rows and rows of beans, milking goats, sheering sheep, pushing cattle through corrals...

What most prepared me was his cold approach to butchering. We dismembered and ground up beloved pets and ate them.

And now, all grown up, I'm not at all surprised that adults all over the world practice the dark arts and do horribly cruel things to children.

My homework was less necessary than saving money turning a light bulb off. This happened many times through the years even into college.

I was the first child. I knew by the fourth child that every jot and tittle has relevance to the whole. Science backs me up.

Every microbe on this planet is relevant. Every human is relevant. Every moment of anguish for one anguishes us all.

I know why I came back to win. Because we are all necessary.

The balance and counterbalance, the relevance of magick is that sooner or later it really does come back to bite.

I look back on my sad childhood now and understand I learned the principles of moralizing vs morals. I learned the difference between delegating definitions and living them. I learned that every moment I spent with my dad was absolutely necessary, because I learned so much.

He is relevant to me.

incognito

Parties are fun. This weekend was very party. Best part was quiet house while party was elsewhere. 😄

I'm remembering now why I came back. I knew since I was young that I'm incognito this go-round. That word popped into my head out of the blue one day and I instantly knew that was me. Incognito. I was pretty young for a word like that. I had to go look it up.

I know who I was before. Well, I dont have a name to put to the memory, but I have a few details surrounding my very sudden death in an explosion. I remembered all this while I was a toddler, and the memory has stuck with me all through this life. I'm incognito. They can't find me this time.

I have begun the process of discussing this with my psychologist. He must think im a mess sometimes. He doesnt seem nervous when I get weird. I hope he's one of the good guys because I've never told anyone this stuff before. It will be interesting to see if my history of synchronistic cosmic target hits him before I wind up with another diagnosis.

In the meantime, the pain is ramping up enough again to spike my blood pressure, so I'm back on a pain control regimen.

I came back to save people. Many of us came back to save people. We're starting to remember. We know why it's so important. And we'd do it again, and again, and again. We are here

TO WIN.

the monster I failed to become

So a few years have passed, the big splat is over now, and all I wanna do is just flop on my face and let the rest glide over. The big ol' world keeps turning and I'm in my cave not being that much a part of it nowadays.

I guess I just needed to know I could do it. I know I needed to try or I'd have died very miserably. But yeah, I just needed to know I could. So many alternate timelines have been discarded along the way.

That kind of bothers me sometimes, that opportunities walked right up to my face and said hi and I just stared back and then turned away like they were nothing to me. No one ever knew why I didn't jump on all the things I could have. Well, they might think they know, because I blabbed so much, but no one really knows.

Sometimes the microcosm needs to take precedence over the macrocosm.

And now it's time to look back on the looking back. I did a lot of delayed processing. I didn't imagine what it might be like to look back on the looking back. Now I'm processing the processing.