Or wading, perhaps

Made it! Got through yesterday's ten year anniversary of my mom's death day and only wept once. I still have a headache from that. On a happy note, still thrilled the tears can roll like that, given the dry eye problems I live with.

Sometimes I feel like years are whipping through too fast, sometimes I feel like I've been here forever. I'm keenly cognizant of a whole list of fails. Most of them are tiny, like the baby afghan i started when someone was pregnant. That baby has a baby of her own now. I do nice crochet, could have been beautiful.

My life seems like that. My own intentions shoved into closets while I deal with other emotional blitzes going on around me.

But at least I held steady, I guess. Still here.

Waiting.

Not doing or getting what I personally want while I commandeer the helm of a sinking ship toward a shore. I can unequivocally say I changed history for 3 people. Sometimes I can feel their sadnesses from the alt timelines and I'm glad I stayed. No one else would ever have.

Today is MRI on an ancient pain area. Entire left shoulder from blade to joint to spine to elbow has been miserable for years. A car wreck may have started some damage, first husband definitely finished it, and now aging is making it almost unlivable. I have lived with this pain for nearly 40 years. Looking forward to being more stoned on extra xanax for the test. I don't do those tubes well.

 You noticed, huh? Back to blogging. I'm too glum to have friends. I'm too much of a drag to talk to anyone. I'm a gray rainy day that makes everyone glad they stayed inside.

I'm ready to get back to my natural rhythm. I'm praying a marriage is happening by end of this school year and I get some space back. I need to be me in my own house.

Always waiting.