7

Grabbing a spare moment on the run.

I guess while some things finally settle down and sift out, I'm kinda noticing that any time my remaining parent comes up in convo, which is a LOT lately, I get physically ill almost instantly. Ye olde IBS from ages ago is back and I forgot how horrible it was living like this. I wish I could turn my feelings back off like I used to do when I was younger, but as big a mess as I was back then, that's clearly not a solution.

So I am literally abstaining from food every school day until I've collected kiddo from the school pick up line, which I'm stuck in usually for 45 minutes. Several days this last week have been excruciatingly painful and horrifyingly almost too real. My only recourse seems to be fasting. I can handle my morning coffee, a small cup of milk, and a stick of cheese, and that is about it. All I have to do is think of the picture of my dad's ear being eaten up with cancer and I about throw up. Noncompliance is a bitch.

On a happy note, I've lost 7 pounds, yay! 😃

So intermediate fasting and calorie restriction it is. Maybe I'll 'get my life back', as they say. Whatever that life was. Sure wouldn't mind getting some new clothes.

I guess it would be nice of me to stop hogging the bed with the laptop so we can turn the light off now.

Predators

I caught an adult stalking a minor live on server yesterday. Turned out to be a pair of traffickers with dark web connections working very hard to influence young girls away from the server. They were consequently banned from every venue regarding the server, but then set to work on lower staff who also runs a realm that our players cross over into. So this morning we are continuing education on server safety for staff and players.

I'm literally on front lines protecting minors from future plans for rape and forced prostitution.

I wish people were more aware how prevalent this is.

the really long dreams are a relief to wake up from

I had one of those dreams again last night. There were 3 parts, each of them lengthy.

Part one was about my car and college. I had driven partway and had to stop to eat, so I parked my car and went into a restaurant. That bit is hazy, but I remember having to move my car to a nearby trailer park as it was getting dark. Somehow I was flashing back and forth between college and car, and I said one of the families in the trailer park could use a cool futuristic AI fridge I had with me. When I arrived next morning to pick up my car, it had changed to a different kind of car. So far everything is triggered by real life memories, even though they don't match anything in real life. For some reason, that city street layout isn't part of my real life now, but has shown up in several dreams.

Part two was about running into a guy in college that I'd seen on TV in a show here or there, no one big time. I was surprised about the college part, but he seemed thrilled to be back in school and wanted me to hang out. He had an RV and said he'd drive me to my car but drove me to a hospital instead, where he flirted with someone while I watched stray kids running around. Again, all from memory triggers, I've done nursing clinicals and kids are somewhat in my life again. No idea why that guy, but I did say to someone in the dream that he reminded me of my husband because something he was doing. The RV apparently came from new neighbors we met over the weekend.

Part three was awful. I was back at the trailer park and my brother was talking to me when he seized up and whispered "Help me". Then he turned into my niece and appeared to be going unconscious unable to breathe. As I started Heimlich, she wretched up handfuls of metal objects, including jewelry, padlocks, and more. Near the end, still not quite breathing, she whispered her sister's name, who had died years ago. And I woke up.

Everything was connected very differently than it is now, and no one looked like they do now. My life in the dream was very different than my life now. Even the food I ate in the restaurant was very different.

I had missed a pill and got up to take it in the middle of the night. That med can cause odd dreams, it's part of the side effects. I honestly think it just makes them more memorable because I've never slept through a night properly if I take it after supper. I've had very detailed dreams all my life and remember a lot of them anyway, but this med enhances remembering them even more.

My takeaway thoughts are I want a fridge like that, did I really kiss that guy because that was weird, and the symbology of things my niece puked up seems like things she was trying to hold back from saying, padlocks being a broad hint, but felt like that was more fitting of my dad not sharing certain memories, plus I'd been on the phone with him the day before and both nieces came up.

Funny how much stuff our brains constantly work through behind our backs. I'll probably get oh yeah moments through the day today as parts of the dream pop in and out of my mind.

I'm especially wondering why that guy, though. That was the most disconnected part of all.

it was never over, and apparently I'm not done

Or not. Doing better, I mean. I try to be an optimist, but that's a big fat lie I tell myself to survive.

I'm not surviving well at the moment.

git up and go

I think I'm getting to a better place. This last year was the best out of the last ten for sure, but still really hard. Mentally, it was hard to tell if I was starting through some fail again. I'm pretty sure now I managed to hold my position fairly steady through a major depression all summer, likely kicked in during the stupid allergy season medrol packs and breathing meds all spring before I lapsed into glucose challenges and pain spikes all summer. Having to be treated for nose bleeds from a prescription nasal spray didn't help that depression at all. More unremitting sensation on top of already unremitting sensation puts this aspienado into overload, which autoclicks me into shutdown, and having to stay 'on' and alert for kiddo was all I could do not to have mini breakdowns here and there.

But school is back, the set schedule is back, I'm strategizing all over my diet and lists again, and I think the depression is finally backing off.

sans sprinkles

~20 days later~

I'm doing it! I kept the law! I don't have to go to jail! 😃

I haven't had any more ice cream at all this month. Funny how laws work in my mind. The coffee I did really well with, but after about a week I super stressed and started hitting another half cup, and now I'm back to two. The 2 servings of veg per day has been a joke. I'm too tired to even make a salad, it's all in the fridge getting gross. I did manage to get some servings sprinkled around over the last 20 days, but honestly, I'm doing worse than usual with veg.

The severe fibro flare continues. My rib cage (costochondritis) is so bad that I'm now officially dx'd shortness of breath by pulmonologist. No asthma, no COPD, just literally unable to spread my ribcage enough to max to full lung volume, and no control forcing it out since my entire rib cage is a giant charley horse.

I've gone through some dandy flare ups but this summer is taking the cake.

I decided not to let that stop me. I'm at least able to pull 67%-80% breathing function on a standard PFT in allergist's office depending on which allergy season we're in, and I know kids with CF handle a lot lower than that, so as long as my O2 is in the 90 percents, I'm ok.

Massage kinda helped for a very short while, but I think going for rigorous deep tissue might've been a mistake. I may go for lighter next time. Trying to force muscles to respond and comply can backfire, and it sure did this last time, felt kind fluish for a few days. I'm too tired to handle more of that. I just need a half hour of someone being nice to my back this week, give my shoulder blade a nice Thinking of You card and maybe say howdy to the ribs and chat a little bit about whatever.

Other than some other very stiff joints that I have to warm up and stretch a little every day, I seem to be in good shape. I'm keeping up really well with the major parts of the housework, picking kiddo up from school, kinda getting supper fairly regularly.

rules and laws, or, What did I change today?

I've written before in past blogs about the one step forward, two steps back feeling. Working so hard to gain a few inches, or even microns, and then stepping up for others and losing all that. In fact, watching yourself slide back past yourself and off a bit of a cliff.

I had one vicoprofen left from last year's double surgery (knee, wrist). I just took it.

I had a pretty good wellness check, considering some past history, but there was substantial fail in a couple of areas. I'm obviously controlling my diabetes pretty well on paper, but I'm also obviously overwhelmed with enough stressors to chuck my entire 5 year Plan out the window and just let the lipids take over. I mean, it's not horrible, 205 total cholesterol is pretty good for me when you look at my entire history, and I'm actually pretty proud of finally nailing my triglycerides down to absolutely normal, but now it's time to nitpick over my coffee creamer kind of stuff.

8 1/2 years ago I was freefalling after my old doctor had abandoned her practice months before, and I finally very gratefully crawled into another doctor's office in another town after the clinic mailed out a list of who would take over her patients. I was all but crippled, miserable, barely handling my life at all, and the new doctor had me turned around in 5 months flat. He got me off my old inhaler, diagnosed what the previous doctor neglected, rigorously oversaw med changes and reductions, and my life changed almost like magic. It wasn't magic, of course, and it was very hard, actually. Grueling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*two days later*

That pill was nice. It wearing off in the middle of the night wasn't. Oh, well.

Part of my original strategy, when I decided to change my life, was very slowly applying new 'rules' and 'laws' to my life. Like, making my bed. During my worst couple of years, I just never made my bed. One day I decided if I do nothing else, I will make my bed look nice right after I get up. That is such a habit nowadays that I never miss doing it, and it's done without even thinking about it. Takes about 10 seconds.

And then I'd add another thing the next week. Something easy, simple, and taking very little time. Step by step over time, I have developed several areas of my house that stay fairly picked up and even clean.

So even though I feel like a big part of my life has backslid, several areas are really holding their own integrity fairly well, thank goodness. However, I really need to get back on the track I was doing so well on before we got house bombed with kiddo and mama moving in (which I actually enjoy, it's nice having people around on my worst depression days), so I've decided I've gotta get back on some new rules and laws.

This week I had a wellness check with my doctor, and even though I'm 6 pounds down from last wellness check and my blood pressure and glucose and especially A1C are better, I'm still obviously slipping. I'm not sure how many years it's been since my last wellness check, but in 2011 when this doctor turned me around, I lost 50 pounds and my glucose went even lower into the 90s. Since I'm creeping back up from that (again, even though it looks like I'm better than last wellness), my doctor is getting firm again with me about diet and exercise. I'm working on a more comprehensive health history on my spaz blog, hopefully out in the next few days (it's massively boring, lol), but short story is I am sliding back into diabetes if I don't stop this now.

And diabetes makes everything else harder by default.

So my new Law to kickstart this back on track thing (laws are such a huge thing with me that I never break them once I think of them as Laws, kinda like how I've never cheated in Monopoly), is
Only One Pint of Ice Cream Per Month.
Ice cream has become a very weak spot this summer, a major fail area.

And two rules (rules are breakable once in awhile) is only one cup of coffee a day (I go through this constantly, but my creamer is a problem, and I'd rather cut coffee than cut creamer), and 2 or more servings of vegetables a day the rest of August. I have been slacking off down to 1 a day, if that, and even though I'm fairly consistent because I love brussels sprouts 3-4 times a week, I'm filling up the rest of the void with ice cream and caving to a cookie here and there. It's really hard not to do that with extra people around and packages of cookies and cupcakes all around me. My doctor, who is about my age, totally validated me by responding that people half our age have no clue how much older people handle, since we are twice their age with half the energy and three times the daily pain still handling all the same stuff.

YES! My doctor totally gets how hard this is.

So I have one new Law and two new Rules for August. One pint of ice cream a month, 1 cup of coffee a day, and at least two servings of veg per day.

And then I asked myself, apparently during the worst depression week of the entire summer, What do I want, and How badly do I want it, and What am I willing to do to get what I want?

I want my house back. At least the parts I have designated as 'mine'. I have a scant 2 feet of counter space in the kitchen I don't let anyone else put anything on, and that is my 'desk'. I keep a planner there, my shopping list, my meds, and incoming mail. It is my organization center. It had become very piled up again with me quickly shoving my own things over from other areas to make room for other people for various reasons on the kitchen table where I still try once in awhile to bring my laptop. Today I got that counter space cleaned off again. I have my organization center back.

Maybe every week or two I'll ask myself those questions again.

We made it through the big double birthday week last month, made it through mama's big surgery last week (sinus, hope I never ever go through that 😖), and now we're doing a 4-day weekend with kiddo between summer school and regular school.

I haven't been saying much, but I'm in my worst fibro flare all year, and everything is very hard 24/7 for days and days, and I'm still keeping up better than I have in years past. It's very important to be able to be part of my family's lives, so back to the rules and laws before I backslide and forfeit what I've managed to regain over the last 8 years.