pinkyblue

I apologized to my brother today for not being there. He was sweet about it. I don't think I can ever explain what living in two worlds is like. Coexisting as both a wimp and a jerk is my curse in this life, I guess. I've stopped giving executive function over to one or the other and just own it nowadays. Well, not like I'm personally the top of heap in here, but at least I know what I'm apologizing for now.

I reeled home from seeing my psychologist, unable to eat all day long. Good chat, too real for my body, I guess.

To be explicitly honest, what I'm reeling back from is a model of long-practiced interaction, a not-me me. When I let that kick in, everything else gets locked down on hold. Interpersonal interaction is the hardest thing I do, and funneling all of my thinking, organized via blogging over time, through a contrived more pleasant personality is exhausting. Add the weight of the emotional content and yes, I literally reeled once that personality released its grip on me. I was there, I was present, I was part of, and I remember, but that was not me.

That was a doll.

Jacky is in charge of the dolls. Took years of practice.