way down

I haven't checked this stuff in so long that I forgot I even used to do it, but popped over to the old pinky blog this evening to look at something and ran smack dab into referrals from an app in google play being in my all time top ten referrals...

Um. I don't know how I even feel about that.

At any rate, I don't think that app is active any more, at least hasn't been used in the last month.

Two more physical therapy visits. Between those and getting my dad to medical appointments (on top of the other things ongoing around my house), this month has been extremely rigorous and emotionally exhausting. Well, guess that last part has shown up on this blog. I feel wrung out, and still there is more.

13 more days till I see my psychologist.

I've made it past some kind of barrier. Couple days ago I realized I can control the float I do during pain. Was in mid therapy session, the pain was pretty intense on a few pressure points, and I have trained myself over the years to stay focused through it. I've been told a few times I have impressive control over pain. Only those very close to me have ever seen me break down. Anyway, I've said a few times I seem to thrive on pain, and that when it's bad enough I just float, like walking out of physical therapy before I got on gabapentin was like being high. I really haven't done that since starting gabapentin, until two days ago. I very suddenly realized I was at a point where if I let go of my focus, I could float, so without any indication from me to the therapist, I eased up my focus and was hit with a rush that instantly quelled the pain. Those are brain chemicals. I controlled those. I had never done that in mid-session before, at least that I was aware. This was the first time in my life I purposely did it. After a few seconds I reigned in and refocused, then allowed that pain to come back on in my brain for a couple of minutes, and it was truly brutal. Then I eased the focus back again and got another rush of painless float, and I let the float go on longer that time. Then I reigned it partway back and was able to kind of hold onto it and feel that and the pain at the same time.

A couple months ago I realized that I was floaty during my dad's birthday, right. And then I processed through some more very painful memories of painful experiences and began to realize I've been floating around my dad my entire life. I have been dissociating from feeling pain in his presence since I was a very tiny child. I didn't even have to feel pain first for it to happen, it just automatically did. (I still vividly remember the very first time it happened from pain now that I've recovered the memory.)  The way I felt it happen two days ago in physical therapy was identical to how I realized I was feeling at my dad's birthday party after not having been around him for a long time.

After I started connecting those dots, even more stuff fell into place and made sense. I mean, no wonder I can handle him longer than other people, I'm literally numb inside when I'm around him. And not just numb, quite literally high as well. Not the pleasant kind of high, more like an anesthetic high. I don't find being around him pleasurable at all. Two days ago I felt immense pleasure initiating a float in my mind because I wasn't anywhere near my dad. I just never knew I could control it. I have no idea if the gabapentin has helped make controlling it possible or if I was just ready to start understanding what I was doing in my brain. I wouldn't mind being able to make the pain stop more often on my own. I'm not sure I can handle being still long enough to meditate, and I think I'd need a guide to start off because I'm so time disoriented and occasionally have difficulty with recognizing what is real or not, so I'm not willing to try this on my own at home yet.

I'm looking forward to quality time with the psychologist for awhile, not the stay in touch once a month or whenever thing. Guess it took time to crack all this open enough to know what direction to go in next.