I have never found another who has challenged and fulfilled me like she did, although a rare few have come close enough to cause more anguish in my trapped soul. I'm coming to appreciate that I'm very lucky I can feel this, given the state of my brain and incapacity to feel normal emotions and have normal relationships.
As the years have gone by, I've felt a more pressing importance to not only figure this out, but to share this experience in such a way that others like me can find some hope in existing. Despite the wild swings through indifference and anguish, we are crucially important problem solvers for other people, even when we have no cognizance of this role. I can look back now and see that I helped other very depressed people survive and relaunch. My mom spent years desperately focusing on her depression with her circular blind reasoning, and I was her crutch growing up when she was alone, which was a lot. I'm not close to my dad at all, but similarly, I know him so well that I am able to withstand quite a lot of his self tortures that tear the souls around him up like tissue. I've had a number of friends who I've inadvertently helped bridge across life chasms from pain events to moving forward again, to what I felt was my own personal detriment when I was once again left behind as they moved forward. At some point I finally realized my role in this life is like the fox in The Little Prince. No one sees me weep in the wheat fields in between passersby.
Inevitably, I did become part of a family completely self destructing and have been able to hold up to years of commandeering the helm of a sinking ship and steering it to a shore only I could see for a very long time. Even if I cannot feel love properly, I know what it is not and what it should be, and I am strong enough to withstand elements that crush and crumble others into worlds of alcoholism and suicide, if only out of my own sheer masochistic ability to take pain and twist it into the pleasure of winning a game or contest.
I'm still here. Those of us still here are more important than we can imagine. We are the front lines on a weeping world, and we are the ones demanding boundaries and definitions and guidelines for principles. Why? Because we are judged mentally disabled in a world unfit to problem solve its way out of massive self destruction.
Now is the time to draw lines and define love and hope to very mixed up societies around us, blackmailing and sideswiping their own like emotional hostages. Now is the time to truly live what love is supposed to be, even if we can't properly feel it. We were made for this war. Everything I've suffered has led me to conclude this planet is under siege, and the only way we can heal is for us to take control of our own destinies, and help those around us falling by the way. We are all precious in a very hard world, with love turned upside down and disguised behind money.
Be the people you were born to be. Yes, friends come and go, or they are scarce and nonexistent. Yes, families are rife with crises and exhausting challenges. Yes, media keeps us fearful and upset. But we know how to commandeer the bubble worlds we live in, secure the perimeters, and steer sinking ships toward shorelines.
Problem solving is my forte. It is thankless and takes soul grinding commitment. But you know what? I'm outlasting the dark. They say there is a dawn coming. I know there is because I've been shown in dreams.
I feel extremely fortunate that I was able to wake up to the war around us. Even when I had no hope I stubbornly refused to cave to what I believe is a society-manufactured worldwide depression. I am here to win. I was born with the tenacity to stand up to soul crushing pain, and I will stand till I die.
I believe my one friend is a casualty of this war. And I believe the elite who helped manufacture the broken soul who killed her are being routed out even now.
She shows up in a dream even still, once in a blue moon.
She is the one who started me writing. She began me. And now I will not stop.
No comments:
Post a Comment