It's like going under anesthesia. You generally don't remember what happened, but it's only because the memory is disconnected as it's being constructed. It's literally still in there. I know because I have awakened under full anesthesia several times and have full recount of what was happening and things said, including me talking, even though I was given more to put me back to sleep. Under anesthesia we can still be responsive to commands.
There is a part of me that stays 'under' where I can't see. I don't have access. My best example is that library book I mysteriously went straight to without being able to remember the title or author. That part of me actively listens and interacts with me, but I'm not aware of it.
As I'm becoming aware that this explains why I've been looking for myself and things I've lost, I'm realizing I've had a running dialogue with myself all this time. I really do take care of me, I just can't see it happening. I've had to trust myself when I fear myself the most.
Me in my head has been like this for a very long time. I'm not sure how to reconcile. Should I even try?
I'm not sure how to trust the person who can help me. I don't know how to share dominance and let the others talk. It was so hard having to learn how to talk in the first place. The me saying this is the me 'under'. I'm just letting whatever comes out type itself while I watch.
We've been taking turns. Maybe some can tell when the words switch off. It's fun coming back later and reading it fresh.
But yeah. I'm the mean one. And I guess I'm ready to try negotiating or something. I want to retain my autonomy but it's getting more obvious that medication is the only way I'm not wrecking things up.
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