Him: *diversion into what line I crossed. again.*
Me: This isn't about that, this is my feelings and I'm trying to finish saying my words.
Him: *feelings wind up being his about nonsimilar but comparable situation*
Me: *arg* I just wanted some empathy, I guess.
Him: Oh, that. *silence*
Oh, well.
*headphones on again while I'm back in minecraft*
Seriously, I do believe sometimes minecraft has saved this marriage.
Anyway. Other stuff happened, too.
Once in a blue moon I'll stalk someone for a few minutes because I want to see how they are doing. It usually only takes a few minutes even when they are unfindable because I just know how to find people. Usually I'm satisfied and go back to my stuff, once in awhile I realize something and push another jigsaw piece into a hole in my life with an all new understanding. I very rarely, and I mean super rarely, like years go by kind of rare, find anything I'm actually painfully jealous of or terribly disappointed or something to that effect. Like the context is so black and white between how my head works and how their real world really works that I wind up sad and just go curl up in my head somewhere wondering how in the world I was that blind or naive or whatever.
I had that moment yesterday. I guess I needed context. I'm in a sort of one-way relationship with someone that needs to continue, and I finally actually reached a place in my head where I need that blank spot filled in, right. Everyone needs to 'relate'. And what I discovered was that glaring truth between us, a knowledge I'll never know in this life the way it is with a head that works like mine surviving it, and I kind of fell into that blank patch with all that new info and watched my insides fall out and mock me.
I will never have normal. I will never know first hand the thing that I crave. I will never realize the possibilities that most people expect as part of the way lives roll out. I may look through lit windows on dark cold nights and see other people having that, but I will never be in that light.
And who, on any normal spectrum, could tolerate me like this?
I think this is the part where people kill themselves, but I'm in minecraft with my headphones on listening to a child laugh with her papa and writing it out so I can come back later and finish understanding what I'm feeling right now. But I'm pretty sure this is where many people kill themselves.
It doesn't matter how smart I am, or how hard I try. Nothing matters if I cannot reach out and not bite anyone reaching back.
But that's not true, is it? I'm here making many differences that never would have happened if I weren't here or hadn't been here. Just because I can't feel it doesn't mean that part isn't true. And just because I feel trapped in a wasteland doesn't mean I can't at least understand and keep teaching.
There is a very old story from my long ago that came to me in a dream during a week of visions withdrawing the hard way off alcohol. I've never told anyone that dream. I tried to write it out back then, but then left off thinking it wasn't that important. But I had a very clear moment a few days ago, and that story is very important, after all. I was given a dream in a week of visions, and I think I'm supposed to share it because I understand it now.
I'm not here to have a normal life. I'm here to race the lightning in the dark along the rocky ridges where death waits at every step. I am here to understand, and to tell.
But I needed that context before I start. I needed to see that glaring truth.
It's a new year. No telling what will be happening. Maybe it's time I went on an oblivious blaze of glory.
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