Bitterly cold out, teens but wind chill feels like single digits blahblah, but ran into town ahead of incoming snow to get a few things. Every tea box in my house was woefully expired (one went back to 2012) since I switched to coffee all day during all that babysitting for years. I've got fresh new tea now, yay!
I look back on my blogs sometimes and wonder if people think I'm utterly obsessed with my weight since I bring it up so much. No. Most of the time I don't think about it at all, and that is where the problem lies. So I decided with the kids moving back out and me getting my house back, now's my chance to stop the tailspinning rut I was in with that. Before grandkids, I was a very nice skinny fat person, in the 180s. Aging into all the extra child care on top of health issues and surgeries and stupid meds has been a betrayal I can no longer tolerate. I put 25 of 50 pounds back on over those years and I'm very displeased that I've not be able to get it back off with all the brutal life sabotage I've had to get through. So I got all over the recreating my food routine thing after I got my house back, was down to 2-2-2 on my gabapentin decline, and bam, that hospital episode put me right back at 3-3-3 on the gabapentin and that completely stopped any more weight lost despite not eating at all for two days in hospital. I fought this all last year with the steroid packs (allergies) and cortisone shots, and it's very disheartening. Meds are my worst enemy for uncontrolled weight gain.
But, lo and behold, since I'm back out from hospital, realized that the 3 pounds I lost since the kids moved out before the hospital happened actually stayed off, and as I'm starting over on that stupid gabapentin taper (third attempt now, arrrrg), at least I've just held steady. Nothing has come back on.
Aside from one more cortisone shot in my shoulder and one more stint with physical therapy sometime in the next couple months, I sincerely hope that is the last of the extra meds and surgeries for awhile. This has been nonstop, ongoing, plus ridiculously lengthy fibro flares over all the extra work, and I feel like if I don't get a grip on my health right now, I'll just slide back off in despair for good. I've worked way too hard reaching this level of function to give up yet.
Actually, it's pretty amazing I've been able to level up to this level of function through all that stress. If I can keep improving now without all that, watch me fly!
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Yes, we all know I jinxed myself just writing that. Whatever.
I'm still having to piece through this entire way it played out. When Riddler was lying while manipulating, unaware of the unintended emotional effect. When Penguin finally saw that and kept saving his life anyway. How Ed was a genius without real purpose but Oswald was a dedicated chess player without any friends. The way I see both in how I've spent my life. It's very confusing to identify with two conflicting characters.
The intensity I reached inside while my dad was dying has calmed back down, but I still remember seeing it for the first time, that I really do change around him. I could see it this time, for the first time in my life. I could see that the other me steps in to block the pain, which is fine for that, but not back when other me took over, burned that box, and then held me back through a bad marriage and a baby. I remember the day I kicked back through.
But that wasn't all, and the fighting in me went on for years. I feel like I held me hostage, sometimes very aggressively.
I don't know what to do with that except I'm kind of wanting to talk to me and see what happens. Right now I can feel the resistance inside to an amicable chat...
How do you talk to yourself when the blockades have been up so long?
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