in my way

I guess it's my turn, got a solid sore throat. It's not faking. Scott is in his 2nd week of chest cold because he's too stubborn to get antibiotics, probably has bronchitis. We know this round isn't flu, but flu A showed up in the school this week, so the rest of winter might be worse than last year's legendary 2 week cold that swept the region.

Chiefs get to wear the red for Superbowl, yay.

Something changed, maybe turned a corner on the gabapentin taper. Sudden drenching sweats over the weekend apparently helped me kick down another pound. I'm so done with water weight gain from meds. Aside from mild nausea and slight disorientation, no other symptoms for now. I'm thrilled there is no headache or reverb pain today.

Psychiatrist was bumped up a couple months for touch base, I guess he's moving or something and he very kindly referred me to interview with a colleague in late April. He said she'll be a good fit for me, which I appreciate because I don't do change well. He asked why I didn't go back to alcohol during all the dad dying and flashback stress I was under, since daily hard cravings came back, and point blank, I just can't do that to my family. I'm enough for them to handle as it is. Xanax dose will be staying the same unless another crisis needs a little bump, like getting through dad did. Still counting my pills, and at this point, that is a very good thing. If I thought I could get away with it I'd get very wasted today, and I'm not even having a bad day.

I think I'm still emotionally very drained. The lengthier stretches of peace over the last couple weeks were the first real break I've had in nearly 3 years. By this April 1st we'd have been starting our 4th year if they hadn't moved out.

She's already asking us to watch kiddo for a date night 6 weeks from now, and I'm like can we please just let Scott get past this respiratory thing before we have to even think about it? Pretty sure we'll be babysitting all spring break and whatever germs hit the school before then. Not like we get our own alone time that often. 26 years in this house, I never once got a genuine date night without kids till they grew up and moved out. And now she's literally sleeping with her guy every night, why in the world start planning around date nights right after moving out of here?

I should go start supper before my throat decides it hurts too bad to cook.

I guess I just figure if I can hold my horrible inner attitude back, then surely I've earned a sort of grace period where questions just stop coming up for awhile. I know I'm not the best person on the planet for advice, but I daresay the frantic neediness built into the tribe I married into has come to irk like nails on a chalkboard. I can't keep being the go-to problem solver. For reasons.